I push you away.

I fear so much.

I am consumed by it. It suffocates me.

I can hardly breathe, as if I’m in a room filled with the thickest of smoke. It’s now entered my lungs, and my chest begins to cave in desperately grasping for oxygen as my mind desperately grasps for security.

No matter my awareness I still seek validation. Was I rejected so deeply from the beginning of conception that even with healing, self-love and the love of others around me, I still can’t let go of this burdening fear that drives you away?

I let them go. The toxic ones. The ones that pushed these thoughts into my being. Finally, I have rejected them. But their words and treatment linger in me like imprints I can’t scrub away. I scrub and scrub until my hands are raw and bloody and yet they remain as present as ever.

I won’t give up. I won’t give in.

Your imprint is still there but I reject it. It’s a lie and I know it.

My anger rises and my blood boils and I take a breath and breathe it out to open space for peace within. It’s peace my soul demands and not anger.

Today I will allow things to be. I will trust and be and live and today I won’t push you away.